Losing a loved one leaves most of us too overwhelmed to think about practical matters like a will. Nevertheless, estranged family members may insist on discussing this thorny matter in the aftermath of the loss, making us spring into action to deal with their demands.
This very thing happened to our family when an aunt passed away, and estranged family members insisted on prioritizing the will’s absence over everything else.
Conflict can break your family apart in the wake of a death, so consider taking the following steps to navigate the troubled waters of dealing with estranged family members when there’s no will.
Decide Who Gets What
The easiest way to avoid greedy family members from walking away with the bulk of the estate is to establish who gets what. While it’s not easy to do without a will, you can hire an estimator to appraise the value of the assets and divide them equally.
Alternatively, you can go by the wishes of the loved one who passed. Our aunt publicly and privately expressed wishes about who was to inherit certain items, so we did our best to ensure her wishes were respected. The requests of your deceased loved one come before the demands of various family members.
Prioritize Communication, But Set Boundaries
Communication is vital at any stage, but even more so after the passing of a loved one. Misunderstandings about possessions and assets can often cause unnecessary strife when grieving.
While you can’t control how others interpret your words, aim to speak clearly, focus on uniting statements rather than speaking solely about yourself, and use active listening to notice cues about how others feel. Pause conversations if you notice signs of escalation like people raising their voices or becoming unreasonable.
When faced with greedy family members, boundaries become more important than ever. If you encounter behaviors that upset you, calmly yet firmly let the person know they’re crossing a line.
Don’t allow intrusions into your private space, and let family members know if you can’t add any more to your plate or need help with certain activities. Also, use your intuition to decide whether a situation is likely to escalate or if you feel off about a particular family member or interaction.
Put Your Needs First and Accept That There’s No Right Way To Grieve
Grief can manifest in a myriad of ways. Some people feel a loss of control because their loved one passed, leaving them alone. Yet, for others, death reminds them of their own mortality.
Try to understand behaviors that may come across as greedy — like insisting on taking a particular object — yet are simply expressions of grief. If someone feels attached to an item but doesn’t care about discussing assets and estate splitting, they may deal with grief instead of showing greed.
While you should prioritize your needs, we’re not suggesting you ignore or suppress everyone else’s voice. Nevertheless, you need to show yourself understanding and self-care. Failing to do that can lead to struggling to withstand stress and conflict without first dealing with your own emotions.
To minimize the burden, I spent time with my pets, journaled my grief, and reached out to friends who had experienced grief but weren’t part of the immediate situation.
Schedule Things Properly and Set Timelines
Without a will, you’ll need to devise a schedule to review the estate. To avoid conflict, you should announce your intention to hold a family meeting and set a schedule for every part of the estate.
It’s up to you to decide when to have this meeting. If you suspect family members will become unreasonable about the assets they want, hire a mediator or an executor. It’s what we did, and the third party kept the situation from becoming overly emotional or heated.
It is very important to set up a schedule to discuss the estate and a timeline for selling assets, including large ones like a house. Don’t allow estranged family members to rush the process or push you out of your comfort zone.
Reassure everyone that the process is in motion, but don’t let them take over or try to bypass you. Hiring a mediator also helped because we didn’t have to deal with these family members directly at every juncture.
When To Go Low Contact, Keep a Lid on Your Emotions, Yet Maintain Empathy
If conflict explodes after the death of a loved one, you may need to restrict the interactions with estranged family members, especially if they become pushy about possessions or try to speed things up before you feel ready.
Don’t feel guilty about reducing contact; only address issues when you feel calm and have collected your thoughts. If conflict seems unavoidable, consider going through probate court. You may find it distasteful, but it’s more effective than constant fighting.
Trying to control your emotions when you’re overwhelmed by grief is hard, and you may find yourself blurting out less than forgiving words to family members who have kept their distance in the past.
Instead of going a route you may regret, respect your boundaries and retreat until you can deal with difficult interactions without the raw grief. Try to reflect on why family members push your buttons and why you feel uncomfortable around them and their demands. A clear head can do wonders when the other party can’t control their emotions.
It bears repeating that there’s no right way to grieve. You shouldn’t ever assume your family member has an ulterior motive when they make demands unless they’ve repeatedly acted out of greed in the past.
Show empathy for their situation and try to put yourself in their shoes. Moreover, remember that you can’t know how they feel and what makes them react in a certain way. It’s better to show kindness than assume the worst.
Recognize Family Dysfunction, Accept the Lack of Connection, and Let Go of Toxic Family Members
Some families are dysfunctional, and the passing of a loved one will only make the dysfunction worse. If estranged family members depended on the person who passed, they might unconsciously look for someone else to care for them.
Avoid falling into their trap. These co-dependent relatives may be trying to take over your time and look to turn you into their crutch. Set strong boundaries and stay away.
Likewise, if you lost a parent and have never been close to your siblings, your parent may have been the only reason you stayed in contact. Once the link is lost, your siblings may make demands and refuse to continue maintaining your relationship.
Although it may feel hurtful, you should accept that the connection only existed because of the parent you lost and move on. Dealing with a sibling with whom you barely have anything in common isn’t worth the hassle.
Yet other family members may bring nothing but drama to the proceedings. They may start arguments, refuse to make concessions, and loudly demand and push for their rights to certain assets.
If you notice that these relatives are only interested in material possessions and refuse to meet you halfway under any circumstances, let go of them and use an attorney to act on your behalf. Toxic people will not change however many chances you may give them.
In conclusion, setting boundaries and sticking to your guns while maintaining empathy is the best way to deal with estranged family members when there’s no will. Grief takes many forms, but dealing with greed and needless demands doesn’t have to be part of it.
