In February 2023, my husband and I began caring for my mother-in-law, whose health had taken a turn for the worse. The unfortunate aspect was the distance. She was in North Carolina while we were located in Austin, Texas.
She had suffered a stroke while she was caring for her husband, who was battling stage 4 cancer at the time. We immediately flew out to assess the situation and determine what needed to be done.
And it was a lot.
We immediately began planning how to provide the care they both needed. As the months wore on, a series of events occurred: a funeral service for her late husband, a terrible fall that resulted in a brain hemorrhage, a subsequent ICU stay, and ultimately, a move to our home in Texas so we could care for her around the clock.
We have learned some valuable lessons about providing the right kind of care and avoiding the inevitable fatigue and burnout that can and will happen.
Recognizing the Signs of Burnout
It’s crucial to identify the signs of burnout and fatigue. If you notice sleep problems, weight fluctuations, emotional outbursts, increased physical health issues, heightened anxiety, loss of interest in activities you love, or self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, you might be experiencing burnout without realizing it.
You may also have other symptoms that are not listed here. Since you know yourself better than anyone else, any noticeable behavior changes should raise concern. Fortunately, you can manage your stress while still helping your loved ones. To care for others effectively, you must first take care of yourself.
Seeking professional counseling is the most crucial aspect of handling caregiver stress. It is genuinely beneficial whether you go alone or with your spouse or partner. Learning to navigate complex emotions positively during a rollercoaster is critical to successfully avoiding burnout.
Counselors specializing in this area will have countless resources and tools to share with you for continued growth and reference. I cannot stress enough how fundamentally necessary that is for your well-being.
Ask for help and accept it when it’s offered. If you’re unsure what to ask, think about what you need the most, such as traveling to doctor appointments, cleaning your home, arranging pickups and drop-offs for your kids, and more.
Prioritize those needs and reach out to your friends and family who have offered to help before. If someone has expressed a willingness to assist, take them up on it!
Use Available Resources
As the baby boomer generation ages and their children step into caregiving roles, more and more options are becoming available to both those requiring care and those providing it. Taking advantage of programs and resources designed to make caregiving easier will provide you with much-needed support.
Among these programs is respite care, which provides short-term relief for caregivers. This care is usually arranged for an afternoon, a couple of days here and there, or even more frequently during the week on an as-needed basis. Care can be performed at home, in a healthcare facility, or often at an adult care day center.
Some health insurance and Medicaid even assist in some cases. Caregivers can locate respite care using the ARCH National Respite Network and Respite Locator to help find the needed services in your area.
Senior citizens might be eligible for low-to-no-cost services such as home health care, meal delivery, and visiting nurses. A free source I highly recommend using is the National Council on Aging’s (NCOA) BenefitsCheckUp.
This online screening tool is an excellent resource for caregivers to see what their loved one qualifies for.
When caring for loved ones, it is important to include your employer. I understand the reluctance one might have to involve those at one’s workplace, but many services and options might be available to you, such as flex time and a free needs assessment.
Not all places of employment offer these resources, but it never hurts to look into them. Remember to check your benefits package: Many companies provide their employees with Family Medical Leave or FMLA. If you’re lucky to have access to this, do not hesitate to use it. FMLA allows up to 12 weeks a year to care for relatives.
Your Human Resources office should be able to guide you on how to take advantage of the benefits.
Don’t underestimate the importance of connecting with like-minded people. By joining a support group for caregivers, you can surround yourself with others going through the same journey.
They can cheer you on, provide a safe place to vent, offer countless hugs and advice, and help you problem-solve, whether you meet in person or online.
Finally, if you’re struggling to find support, check in with your loved one’s providers. Speaking with the doctors caring for my mother-in-law can yield some much-needed assistance. I have learned about many sources I have shared here, such as respite care and safe online places to share my struggles.
Your loved one’s doctors understand. They have seen this all before and can provide so much peace and comfort during this time.
Mindset Is Everything
Caregivers notoriously neglect their health when exerting the majority of their energy providing care for others.
However, taking care of your health is so critical. Don’t blow off those doctor appointments; remember to get your flu shot and other vaccinations, and take time for some self-care.
There is always a reason for becoming a primary caregiver for your loved one, which usually stems from love and compassion for the one being cared for.
Focus on the silver lining of the lessons and love they have shared with you or the knowledge that you are setting an excellent example for your children. Recalling the positive reasons why you have chosen this journey will sustain you through the more challenging times.
Through our journey, I have discovered that breaking tasks into smaller items is beneficial to maintaining your sanity. I often say, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That is paramount in a caregiving situation.
Prioritize your list of chores. Follow a daily routine, and don’t accept invitations to events that are just not doable. Overextending yourself can result in disaster.
Never underestimate the role of coping mechanisms when it comes to handling your mental and emotional health. There are so many options for finding healthy outlets for a caregiver. Whether it be a safe place to vent, journal, or practice yoga and meditation, caregivers must occasionally have safe and meaningful opportunities to do something for themselves.
Let’s face it: when it comes to dealing with the stress of caring for an ailing loved one, emotions can run high. The side effects of caregiver fatigue are real, and they can come fast if you don’t address issues and concerns with a problem-solving approach. Take the time to turn emotional situations into constructive solution-oriented objectives. It will help with your sanity in the long run.
It Takes a Village
Your other family members and friends aren’t mind readers, so don’t expect them to know what is needed instinctively. You have to speak up and advocate for yourself when you feel the stress and anxiety taking over.
If you have concerns or thoughts about improving a situation, don’t be afraid to share them diplomatically and honestly. Develop a “divide and conquer” mentality if you benefit from sharing responsibilities with a spouse, partner, or siblings. One handles the financial aspect, while the other handles the medical appointments.
We are all human and can only do so much. Knowing your limits and confidently setting boundaries with those around you will help your overall mental health.
Practice Acceptance
Practicing acceptance might be the hardest one of all. There are so many questions revolving around your loved one’s illness and subsequent decline, most notably, “Why?” Why did this happen to them? Why does the care fall to me? Why doesn’t insurance cover more? It is okay to acknowledge the negative feelings that arise but avoid the emotional trap of feeling sorry for yourself. Just because you have those feelings does not mean you are a bad person or caregiver.
If you’re struggling with your mental health while caring for a loved one, you’re not alone. Seek help and community with the Family Caregiver Alliance, which offers services for caregivers, and Caregivers Connect, an online community allowing caregivers and industry professionals to connect and share their experiences. In a mental health emergency, don’t hesitate to contact your local crisis services hotline or contact the National Crisis Lifeline at 988.
